Saturday, March 26, 2005

Morning Woe.

Of all the things to pass through one's head the second one wakes up from slumbering all over the floor, "Oh ye Gods, the construction signs are still in my front room," is one of the less palatable.

Then, of course, the headpains set in, leading to the inevitable second thought: "cunting fucksocks."

I go through this process far too often.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005



Friday, March 18, 2005

Unexplained Phoenomena

13 things that do not make sense.

An interesting read.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I had no idea that they could do that.

Man with two penises loses wife.

I guess she's not that adventurous.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Amateur Anthropology. #1

The "I'm MAAAAD"* me!?!?"

These aren't exactly Sloanes, but there is an appreciable crossover - these are the self-consciously "kooky" (mostly) girls who drink a large amount of Lambrini, sway from side to side and repeat their characteristic phrase at you, generally while pretending to be bisexual or like Tori Amos. However, any hint of genuine deviancy or mention of anything actually countercultural, and the catch-all pejorative description "just weird" is applied. As in:

ME: "Oh, you're mad, you, eh? What do you think of the new Mars Volta album?"
I'M MAD ME: "Urrgh! They're just WEEIRD!?! Do you have any more Lambrini?"
ME: "Fuck sake**, you useless, airheaded hypocrite. I assume you're aware of the intrinsic contradiction of adopting an "eccentric" pose to mark you out from your "mates" while never. actually. doing. anything original? How long did it take you to come up with the oh-so-brilliant idea of coming up to people and saying "fish" at them? And for the love of ALL THAT IS SEMEN-STAINED, the word "Random" cannot be used except to denote an unpredictable outcome of an event. "Ohh, I'm sooo RANDOM! FISH! FISH! PENGUIN!" is NOT A FUCKING SENTENCE. Now go away before I deflower you with this here sharp stick."

And people wonder why I drink so much.

* pronounced "mahd"
**Yes, this is how I pronounce it.


Rollo Malone, perched on a roof, silhouettes himself against the sky. The fading lilt of the evening light flattens the slope and the curve of his back (against the blue in a a pleasing way). He is waiting atop the shed, you see, for to be late for his lady friend (this is how in his thoughts he names her). Upon the auspicious tick of five-thirty, he dismounds (fully intending to mount again later), and leaps the garden fence.

Oh my!

A tingling, malingering ball of charisma, he saunters down the airy street, and nary a car passes smokily by. This quietly pleases him of a late summer's evening. (and a devious twinkle alights in his eye). Though his chest is broad and his waist is slim, he laks a a gift to give to his lady. (He passes beside the railway station, where weary commuters come home to roost. (and briefcases rut like pigs in a sty.)) His friend who's a lady requires a tribute; a flower, perhaps, or a golden band? But he lacks even a spa-shop box of chocolates, and she'll slam the door in his face for sure. Always he embarks on his visits unplanned. As he descends to the sodium-lit Main Street, a floral tribute snags his gaze. A bouquet on a streetlight, tied on with string. A gift to the elderly dead (of a car crash) - Mrs Briggs of Clanfield, Berks, 93 (or so the card with it proclaimed her to be). Rollo considers it a pitiful thing.

He removes it with scissors, the card is discarded - over the shoulder like salt from a gypsy. The flowers placed gently under the left arm. . On wards and onwards to the house of his lover he walks with a posy three days old and dry. Though his lady might spurn him, he'll walk on regardless. And stroll on with gift and his head held high.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

I'm pissed.

How fun. Blahahwhahhahha.

Once upon a time there was a little elephant and his name was Fobrut. Fobrit went hoem one time and had some foods and thodes foodes were nice to eat. Fobrute got very fat because he likes foods and said, "I am overweight help me Martha Stewart."

But martha Setweart coujld not help Fobrut because she was in jail. Gutted, Martha Stewart.

So Fobrut went to Anne Widdecombe, who is has some sort of role in governtsment but is really more of oa figure of pubblisc reidicuel. They all had tea and lived happily ever after. I'm finishingg thies sortyr with a horribly contrived, clifchecds ending because I'm far too drnunk to finish oup an ending for this druneknd paordy of myself.

A;lmcool makes me quite happy.


Friday, March 11, 2005

Did you know him?

The Dionaea House

It's here.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Updating to appease Chris.

Here you go you basturt.


"Stephen Bennett - a former homosexual - now married almost 12 years to his wife Irene"

Quite possibly the funniest thing I've read all day.