Friday, January 20, 2006

A Waste of Good Atoms

I winced, attempting to ignore the mindless blatting of some paint-by-numbers corporate sucktoy that was assaulting my ears, filling the dim and smoky room with a viscous grey sludge that smelt of ammonia, semen and broken dreams. The harpie shrieks coming from the squat, silver and pant-shittingly stylish speakers clawed at the base of my skull as I attempted to focus my attention on the officious looking little turd in front of me who appeared to be under the delusion that his opinion mattered to anyone but him. I was certain that his hideous jacket was lined with copies of his letters to the Daily Mail, and had been trying studiously but unsuccessfully to take a look ever since he had waddled over to me. The terrible noise abated for a time, lurching into a quiet bridge section that been carefully composed to generate as much revenue as possible.

"...and the innocence of our children must be protected! At all costs! Why, my children have never even seen their SIN PARTS, and they're much healthier for it! It is imperative to a child's natural development that they never become exposed to anything sexual lest they become a gay, a liberal or burst into spontaneous pregnancy!"

"Yes!" I shouted, "they'll turn into Foreign Rapists and will violate young women for wearing too little at night! That will teach those SLUTS to have a vagina!" I waved my arms excitedly, being sure to knock a passer by's drink onto the red-faced lunatic in front of me in the process, where it began to simmer gently. In a serendipitous and unusually fortunate turn of events, I would later discover that the drink's owner was the one responsible for playing the CD of mephitic dribble oozing from the incontinently sleek soundsystem. Daily-Mail-Coat continued, babbling from a mouth that covered three quarters of his face.

"Exactly! Modern society is corrupting our young ones with the media's Flagrant Display of people who have in the past probably had sexual intercourse of exactly the wrong kind at some point in their lives! Do you know they even allow people to have genitals under their clothes? The only way to deal with this Vile Corruption of Moral Standards is to ban EVERYONE from any sort of social interaction unless they can prove conclusively that they have passed an arbitrary age restriction! It's the only way we can ensure that our children aren't exposed to the HORRORS OF NATURE without having to put any effort into parenting AT ALL!"

I drew a breath, ready to explain to him why he should test out his idea by crawling into a small box and staying there, but a small gleam in one of his tiny ears caught my attention. Lodged firmly in the earhole was what looked like a metallic earplug. I grabbed what was left of his hair and pulled his head toward me for a closer look as his gigantic maw flapped on. It had tiny letters inscribed on it, which read "Common Sense Filter, Mark IV. Perfect for all your Religious Right needs!" I sighed, and put his head through a window as he let another fresh, steaming Opinion roll out of his trouser leg. The mouth continued to spew forth noise in a horrible jarring rythm that syncopated perfectly with the beat of the sludge music, condemning anyone that was unfortunate enough to listen.

On the way out, I vomited on the hi-fi. It didn't do any permanent damage, but it made me feel a little better.


At 3:23 am, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

I have just shit myself in incontinent, climactic joy, coupled with incontinent, existential terror.

You have Raised the Bar, sir, and as soon as I recover from the spasmodic paroxysms of laughter your prose induced, and clean the clinging, ruddy mess from my seat, I'll have a go at Jumping Over It.

At 11:18 am, Blogger Thaddeus "B." Glands said...

Thank you for your words of kind niceness.

At 11:36 am, Blogger Withiel said...

This I like, especially the playing on the recent writings of others but with more bodily fluids. Also, SIN PARTS, and everything Veins said. Keep up good work, expect to be exceeded later. See? Competition is good for you! There's no such thing as society!
/shoots self


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