Monday, June 28, 2004

Buy My Cereal!

Advertisements really do form a low point in current day-to-day human affairs, particularly in the case of television adverts. That's not to say that I don't understand the need for adverts or appreciate this fact, it's just the way modern advertising companies go about it that makes the fruits of their labours so painful to experience. These days, I'd say that there are three main types of television advertisement:

1. The Bearable Ones. These are the ones that don't make you want to scream like a ferret in acid the first time you see them, and might even make you chuckle. They might be witty, clever, or just have some attribute that lends a certain air of coolness or watchability to them. Of course, after seeing this advert repeated a number of times, the novelty will wear off, and they will either become boring or irritating, and the desire to claw your ocular organs out will return. At any rate, it's rare that the viewer will actually be interested in the product that's being sold; the likelyhood is that they just like watching the advert. Until it's repeated three times in half an hour, that is.

Example: That Guiness ad with the surfing and the horses made of waves.

2. The Nauseatingly Irritating Ones. These are without a doubt the most commonplace. Often accompanied by an absurd "theme tune" specially designed by Advertologists to make you projectile vomit, adverts of this variety will try to get you to by their putrid and often totally absurd wares by being as loud, bright, cheerful, stupid or annoying as possible. Perhaps the idea behind these adverts is to assault the viewer as much as possible until all their defenses have been systematically destroyed by the sheer horror onscreen and they'll buy anything that you throw at them. This terror is compounded by the huge number of times this advert will be displayed. Typical values range between twenty and twenty-five times a minute.

Example: The McDonalds advert with the screeching kids that want to know "What's in the Box That Always Rocks". I'll tell you what's in the fucking box. The last shreds of my precious sanity. And a side order of fries.

3. The Arrogant Ones. The adverts that display products that are SO FUCKING BRILLIANT that you, the lowly consumer, are barely worthy of feasting your filthy beady eyes on, let alone owning. These adverts will often be accompanied with a voiceover from some smarmy dickhead quietly (and arrogantly, let us not forget) asserting just how totally fantastic the product is. The advert will most probably be simple in nature because no embellishments are good enough for whatever item is being flogged. These are by far the worst kind. Whilst variety two has the advantage of sheer numbers, a single exposure to just one of these adverts is enough to make the viewer feel violated, both mentally and physically.

Example: Those "Read a Bestseller Every Day" Telegraph adverts. Who the fuck stands in an elevator discussing which issue of a fucking newspaper was the best? Seriously, extract your heads from your rectal cavities, people.

Naturally, these do not cover all adverts, as some perpetrators have special and terrifying categories all of their own, but I do reckon that this covers most of what's on offer for anyone who feels their sanity to be burdensome.

As far as I can tell, the last two categories seem to follow relatively simple formulae for construction. These are as follows:

The Nauseatingly Irritating Ones:

1. Write a "jingle" for the advert. This should, ideally be short and punchy and repeated every two nanoseconds. The concept behind this is that it will destroy enough of the viewers braincells (usually all of them) that they'd be willing to go out and buy whatever godawful sack of shit that your company is selling.

2. Get some actors to be irritating/stupid/very irritating. If this product has anything to do with children even in the slightest, hire some annoying little brats to be very loud. Extra points awarded for jumping up and down like a retarded monkey on acid. Otherwise, hire some adults to be loud instead. Remember, the louder you are, the better your product must be. Punctured eardrums mean people can hear better!

3. Write an absurd catchphrase. Repeat it constantly in your advert, then plaster it everywhere so that the unsuspecting public can do nothing but associate with your product whenever they come across one of the catchphrase's component letters. There is no escape.

The Arrogant Ones:

1. Bend over until arsehole is visible.

2. Thrust cranium upwards into anus.

3. Pick up a pen.

4. Write advert.

5. Get the smarmy wanker to do the voice over.

6. Apply soft green/blue tint or black-and-white.

I hope this has been informative for you. If anyone attempts to put the methods I have described into use, please do us all a huge favour and end your life now. Thank you.



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