Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Humour me as I rant about adverts

This will be an Internet First, I imagine, as I intend to write this post without once mentioning C**** F***.

The bastarding adverts on Classic FM have started to dissolve my mind. Not that I voluntarily listen to the "Smooooth passage to the afterlife" station, but during the unfortunately-quite-frequent times when I have to, the adverts really get to me. And the reason is this: they fucking.cut.the.adverts.at.random, and often play the same one over and over again. (I assume this is to prevent you just tuning out.)

So your typical ad break will sound something like this:

"By donating to JudaeoChristian Aid, I helped to sponsor Gerald, a poor Lithuanian boy, to b-LOVE HORSES, BEST OF ALL THE ANI-o you get tired of those stereotypical youths with their nasty hoodies and sexual liberation? Buy this week's Mail on Sunday, and get a free truncheon, which which to-LOVE HORSES, BEST OF ALL THE poor Lithuanian boy, Gerald, a poor Lithuanian boy DAIIILLLYY MAIIILLLLOVE HORSES"

Something along the lines of Finnegan's Wake, as written by advertising executives keyed into the right frame of mind by having been kept in a urine-smelling room and fed only Werther's Originals for several months. WHY MUST THEY DO IT WHY WHY MY EARS.

Furthermore, I think I'm going to introduce a weekly slot around here, with a different writer each week. Possibly with a set theme. What do you lot think? [Get on with it then - Subed]


At 2:32 pm, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

You're not wrong. Indeed, you may well be right. The other thing which used to piss me off is Classic FM's self-advertisements. There would be two-two different ann-ouncers who would talk-over and between each-each other in a desperate bid-to be the breathiest, smarmiest, most- Classic FM: Smooooooooth Classics on CD. Classical music with all of that irritating variety and ingenuity removed. [Cue string quartet jingle]

Your idea for a regular spot may well help improve freshness of content (my Gay-Bashing-Bashing article was the leader for over a week). What sort of theme?


At 5:46 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whilst it is true that Classic FM suffers under the steely fist of Ad-execs aiming to sell to those who have already booked a spot in the graveyard:
[1. Cue sentimental piano music. Frail Old Lady: My daughter wants something to remember me by, which is why I have given all my savings to 'End of the Road Insurance'...;
2.Man: Are you middle-class and fed up with immigrants? (pause) Good. And by the way, you can still get the Classic FM Hall of Fame in selected retailers, hurry while stocks last.;
3. Simon Bates: Hello, I'm Simon Bates and welcome back to Smoooth Classics at Sev... (door opening) Who are you? What! Why are you garotting me?!
Scaly-Voice: I have been sent by the Rhexis to put an end to all commercialised radio..., and such like...]
, Classic FM is a very effective way at informing people who would not ordinarily listen to classical music. Most people, after all, are more likely to listen to (and feel comfortable listening to) something that they recognise and know they will enjoy. By reeling in the punters with the likes of Vaughan Williams' Symphony No.4 (a listening experience which Aaron Copeland compared to watching a cow for thirty minutes!) or with Mozart 40, Moonlight Sonata, etc, a good presenter should be able to enthuse over new pieces and allow listeners to enjoy them as well.

On Classic FM, this happens rarely and the weekly repetition of favourites [see 'The Lark Ascending', Michael Nyman's 'The Piano', Pachelbel's Canon, etc] is enough to drive even the most easy of listeners to despair.

What I suggest is that everyone listen to BBC Radio 3, which despite longer playing times gives informative information, pieces one would not normally hear, world premieres, interviews, etc.

- Garth Wintergreen

At 10:32 pm, Blogger Thaddeus "B." Glands said...

Last night at 1am I watched an advert for haemorrhoid spray that made me laugh until tears were streaming down my face.

At 5:06 pm, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

"Classic FM is a very effective way at informing people who would not ordinarily listen to classical music."

Informing? Classic FM provides no more wide-ranging or informative an experience than the average ITV commercial break. (Which, incidentally, has the same playlist.)

"Most people, after all, are more likely to listen to (and feel comfortable listening to) something that they recognise and know they will enjoy."

Quite. Classic FM: Orchestral music for pseudo-intellectual pop-listener.



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