Thursday, May 11, 2006

Fresh Blood



For his first offering, Mr. Akay has chosen to return to the topic of Bono and the MPH campaign.


The State of Bono

Gas-bagging über-humanitarian Bono celebrated his forty-sixth birthday yesterday. So, what better time than now to give his smug face a good slapping with the metaphorical penis of far-sighted mild annoyance in the form of the written word? "But wait, stop," I hear you cry. "There are far worse people out there than this harmless minstrel. Consider Robert Mugabi, George Bush, Michael Winner for instance. With targets like these, why would you possibly want to have a go at Bono?" My answer is simple: because it’s fun.

To illustrate my point, here is a charming picture of the man Himself.


Bono (Bono Vox of O’Connell St., a.k.a. Paul Hewson, a.k.a. Prevalent Arse) began his career as a humble rockstar with that rag-tag bunch of eager young "musicians", U2. Now, despite their considerable musical limitations, U2, I would say, have produced some fine songs. What made these songs so fine was their lack of pretention of any kind, and the palpable exuberance emitted from the man in question. I refer the reader to the likes of "With Or Without You", "The Sweetest Thing", and "Stuck In A Moment". None of them bad at all.

How things have changed.

Excited was I, whenever it was that U2's most recent effort hit the shelves, in the form of the seemingly politically-titled How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. Little did I expect an album that, largely speaking, could be described as a festering turd, spitting repugnant bombast into my ears at every turn, with an obnoxious swagger to it that I, for one, find absolutely repellent. Not only that, but it packs about as much political punch as a seventy-five-year-old bigot with no left trouser leg, careering around a shopping mall, screaming about socialism. And the lyrics - God, the lyrics... All of them are penned by Bono. Let me give you a few tasters:

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time … will disappear!

And my personal favourite:

Freedom has a scent like the top of a new born baby’s head

What? Why "the top" of its head, specifically? Think about what you are squealing, Bono. Think what a new born baby’s head, the top thereof or otherwise, would actually smell like. Here are two words to help: "vaginal fluids". Mmm, freedom.

U2, it seems, is a band in decline. For anyone looking for an alternative, I heartily recommend The HDs. Them’s good. [Shameless sycophancy grudgingly accepted. -SXV] Anyway, far more distressing than any of this would be Bono’s growing "political activism", which bothers me immensely the more I think about it. And I’ve done a lot of thinking.

Let me be clear about this. I have no problem with do-gooding. Bono has managed to raise significant awareness about the plight of Africa, and the crises of debt and trade. But, does he really have to do good quite so loudly? Does it not say in the Bible, no doubt one his favourite "books"; "when you give to one who is needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be a secret" (Matthew 6:2-4)? I rather think it does. Bono gives with his right hand, and wears a fucking wrist-band telling the world that he’s actively making poverty history on his left. Not to mention the insincerity of the man. Here is another quote from the man Himself - and I would like to add that I saw him saying this on TV, and during the last bit, he made a cupping gesture with his hands. He was discussing how to deal with the problem of AIDS:

"We’ve got to make AIDS sexy, as well as earnest."

Surely the root of the problem with AIDS is that it is, as Bono so cleverly put it, "sexy"?

Thar she blows, Bono. Thar she blows.

But what I really resent about his self-righteous campaigning is far worse than this. It is that he arrogates Himself the role of leader of the masses. And for sure, someone’s got to do it, but Bono is not remotely qualified to be the One. We defer to his decisions about whether or not the Powers That Be are making enough effort to supply foreign aid, and whatever he tells us, we believe, because he’s such a persuasive man. [Ha. -SXV] His political show-boating has encouraged awareness, but is "awareness" really enough? Shouldn’t people be told to Wake Up and Smell the Shit Hitting the Fan, rather than relying on Bono to do it for them? If this encourages anything, it encourages that most sickening and, sadly, popular approach to modern life: apathy, or, as I like to call it, the Way of the Pig in the Pen.

"I don’t need to actually care or bother to find out about world events, or to apply any pressure on them myself, because some untouchable demi-god like Bono will do it for me."

This is worrying me immensely. Not because I don’t care about poverty, not because I don’t want to cancel Third World Debt; I do care about poverty and I do want to cancel Third World Debt, but I worry about the power over us ordinary people [Who, us? -SXV] that Bono seems to hold. With his Celtic bollocks. I mean, thanks for the effort Bono, but out of (a) actually making people care, and (b) just getting a mass of (from what I hear) fairly bored groupies to gather in a field for a day of rather uninspiring musical performances, which would be best?

Consider your face slapped Bono. Your smug, silvery face.

Still, he’s not as bad as Chris Martin. Tosser.

[Copy ends.]

I look forward to Mr. Akay's continual posting and development as a Rhexis author. Anyone nonplussed by my reference to development need only read early Black, Veins, and Glands articles and compare to contemporary efforts.

Welcome aboard, Rose.



At 9:21 am, Blogger Thaddeus "B." Glands said...

Fear not, U2 shall be brought to their knobbly knees as soon as my plan to steal all of The Edge's delay pedals comes to fruition.

At 10:14 am, Blogger Garth Wintergreen said...

"Anyone nonplussed by my reference to development need only read early Black, Veins, and Glands articles and compare to contemporary efforts."
I assume you intend us to ignore the latest Glands posting!?

At 9:18 pm, Blogger Oscillating Hazelnut said...

That reminds me actually, I really ought to write more stuff on here. But alas, my dalliance with the brilliant, spectacular, brobdignagiously excellent Everything2 is threatening to turn into a full time obsession.

At 12:29 am, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

Never do that.

At 9:31 pm, Blogger Oscillating Hazelnut said...

Can I go "?!" then Veinsy?

At 1:23 am, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

No you may not. No cutesy pairing up of punctuation. I shall subedit you! I shall, you know! I'll do it!


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