Thursday, May 04, 2006

For Your Amusement

I found the following objectionable, superlatively puerile, doctored chain-letter posted as a MySpace bulletin today. I thought I would share it with you only because doing this to drippy bullshit-mail is an Interweb equivalent of tearing it up and writing "RETURN TO SENDER" on the envelope. Edited for netslang and appalling SPAG, but not for content.

Subject: I ALMOST WANKED!

Body: Mandy and Austin have been going out since Seventh Grade. Now they are in Eleventh Grade. Mandy has been thinking of breaking up with him. Austin is gay. Very gay.

One Friday afternoon, on their Fifth Anniversary, Mandy and Austin were talking over the phone...

(Phone rings at Mandy's gay.)

Mandy Hello?

Austin Hey baby gay, how's it going?

Mandy All right, you gay?

Austin Pretty gay. So are you still up for that gay mouth-to-pussy watersports orgy?

Mandy I'm sorry, I can't go: I promised my little sister that I would eat her out to today.

Austin I'm gay.

Mandy I'm really, truly sorry.

Austin I'm gay

Mandy I can't, sorry, I have to go with Alyssa and her boyfriend to the mall to buy her fat-people clothes.

Austin You know, it seems like you have been gay these past few days. First you're gay, then you're gay, you total gay. I had something I wanted to give to you.

Mandy I'm sorry, I'm not trying to gay you.

Austin You know what, I'll just gay to you later, I'm going out for a gay. Love you!

Mandy I'm gay.

Austin Oh by the way, I'm gay.

...Two hours later, she ate some soup.

"Happy Gayiversary!"
P.S. I'm sorry for the gay.


Mandy takes her gift and the card up to her room and goes to sleep.

(One o'clock in the morning. Phone rings at Mandy's house.)

Mandy Hello?

Austin's Brother Hey Mandy, my brother got into a seriously hard sodomy session with his mates, and he's ruptured his liver through cock abuse!

Mandy Oh my God! Please could you pick me up and take me there?

Austin's Brother Yah, I'll be over in gay minutes.

(Gay minutes later.)

Austin's brother picks her up and puts her down. When they get there, she goes straight to Austin's room where the doctors are being gay and shit; putting a blanket over the motherfucker's head. His parents are popping and locking. His Mom moonwalks up to Mandy and hands her a note.

Mom Here, I think this is for you. OW!

(Mandy opens the letter and reads.)

I Gay You

I gay your smile
I gay your kisses
I gay your sensibility
I gay your hair
I gay your touch
I gay your smell
I gay your warm hugs
I gay your everything about you

I gay you

Never forget that

P.S. Without you I would GAY!

(Mandy then starts popping too, and collapses on top of his body in a criss-cross funky-fresh leglock.)

Mandy (Crying. In an '80s bumboy voice.) I'm sorry, I gay you, please come back.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Now that you have read this, if you don't repost it, Plato and Socrates will come into your house and sod the shit out of you and invite all their other noncey friends round to bugger you gay.

If you repost this your one true love will gay you.

Repost this as "I ALMOST WANKED".


... Sorry.

/Sable

4 Comments:

At 3:40 pm, Blogger Withiel said...

I AM SO INDESCRIBABLY ANGRY.

 
At 10:52 pm, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

I said sorry!

 
At 1:06 pm, Blogger Oscillating Hazelnut said...

If this was on Everything2, I would not hesitate to softlink it to "I can't believe I'm getting experience for voting this sucka down," "What the fuck is this shit," and "Getting to know you noders fucking sucked."

C-. Must try harder.

 
At 11:37 pm, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

Incomprehensible though Mr. Nut's comment is, I will assume it was derogatory. Which is fair.

 

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