Monday, January 09, 2006

It's not a product, it's a LIFESTYLE.

Hey there. Do you own an iPod on which you listen to the Kaiser Chiefs or Snow Patrol while hacking away at sudoku puzzles in a book endorsed by a national newspaper, all in the comfort of your frighteningly hip friend's even hipper Toyota Aygo? Well then, you need a Motorola PEBL, don't you? Forget that the equivalent Nokia or Siemens phones might have superior functionality for a lower price, those phones don't fit your lifestyle as well. By buying a Motorola PEBL you can join an exclusive clique of people who are just like you! And if you're not like them, GET like them! These are the people that you MUST EMULATE at all costs, or we'll tell all the nice audience how you bought a pair of iPod headphones separately so you could look like you actually had an iPod rather than a pov-spec generic brand MP3 player until you could afford the far cooler Apple product.

But I don't necessarily want to spend -

SHUT UP! Money is no object here. Use this phone in public ostentatiously. Surrender your personality. Look at it. It's just like you, this phone is. It's sleek, and crisp, and smooth, just like yourself. It fits perfectly in with the palm of your hand like you fit perfectly in with the other clones that use it. It even has a tragically hip deconstructionist name as well - PEBL. Everyone (everyone who's anyone, darling!) knows that removing letters for words while keeping their sound is the epitome of cool. So what do you say?

Erm, this Nokia thing looks quite nice -

No it doesn't. That's the sort of phone that lager louts and chavs use. It's the sort of phone that should have a Burberry front and rear replacement cover as standard. If you buy that phone, all your fellow tragically hip friends will leave you and never speak to you again. Your hair will fall out and you'll not be able to bear the touch of a charity wristband without burning up. Also, did you know that if you buy a PEBL right here, right now, not only will we donate £10 to the MAKEpovertyHISTORY campaign, but also, you'll receive 450 free texts per month (while stocks last.) Come on. You know you want to. Also, have you seen our Deluxe Package offer? It costs £20 more than normal and includes FREE vouchers at major high street stores and a FREE t-shirt with the Motorola PEBL phone on the front and back...

But what if it breaks down?

Oh, by the time your 90 day warranty has expired, this'll be totally unfashionable and soooo Five Minutes Ago. You'll need to come back here to buy your next premium lifestyle telecommunications device.

Well, alright then...

Excellent, that'll be £249.99 and 10% of your frontal lobes.

Can I pay by credit card?

Certainly sir. There you go. You made the RIGHT choice. Enjoy your new lifestyle. Well done, and you certainly have been.

(NOTE: Motorola's PEBL is only used as a specimen product here.)


At 12:45 am, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

I own an iPod, but refuse to use Apple earphones, and deliberately allow it to become scratched and dented.

My iPod is ENTIRELY devoid of the Kaiser Chiefs, Snow Patrol, and U2.

Welcome back to the Rhexis and form, Mr. Hazlenut.

At 2:10 am, Blogger Oscillating Hazelnut said...

Good for you Veinsy. I have no MP3 player, but my laptop has about 1150 MP3s on it, most of which are metal of various descriptions from northern European countries... this is not "in" for people of my demographic, but do you really think I expect my fellow students to appreciate that "Battles in the North" is an Immortal album and not what happens after a Sheffield Wednesday football match?

At 11:53 am, Blogger Sable X. Veins said...

Ah, obscure Scandinavian metal! foetal rape and anal seepage ahoy!

At 1:58 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to tell you all that i am cooler than you all. I have an ipod, use the headphones (lost my good ones with my last pod). I also have muchos U2, Snowpatrol and Kaiser Chiefs. I love all my stuff and as for the number of songs, around 6000 because i'm the best consumer.

All of u r welcum to destroy my outlook on life. Or you can delete this.

p.s. I don't think you can bracket all consumers like myself because i have what i want, not what you want, nor any retailers whatever.



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