The Deluder -- Issue 0 -- 2004
Please enjoy this fragment of The Deluder, a pre-Rhexis satirical magazine that Withiel and I never quite got round to publishing. Hopefully Mr. Black will pull his finger out and get on with UHM, his latest attempt at physical journalism.
HERO OF THE PEOPLE OF DINGLEVANIA VISITS RGS
"Give me money" was the Hero's first comment unto the assembled slack-jawed faithful, a witty allusion to his early rejoinder of "Give me money" in response to being forcibly paraded under Archbishop Dim Tingle's monstrous ersatz penises outside the Queen's Hall.
Quoth the compensating capitane in reference to the gargantuan phallic totems placed under the Queen's Nose, "We built them to make my cock look bigger." It seems that what with Matt Dropout being a Hero of the People of England, the Headmastur's [sic] own penile inadequacy would otherwise be uncomfortably exposed; "I have a small dick," clarified Dim.
When later asked for an interview on his scholastic experiences at the now-artificially-well-endowed schola regia grammatica wycombiensis, Matt Dropout, Hero of the People of England, replied "Give me money" before galloping off, beating his alpha-dominant chest, and wagging his heroic tail, his fly-half's fly-swat, to join the RGS HW (Really Great Schoolmaster, Huge Willy) rugby troupe for their badly needed fix of ego-inflation.
The pride's last official ego-trip had been some weeks ago, when the Rugby World Beaker had visited the school. The Deluder interviewed Head Gameskeeper Inspector Hagrid Gould on the occasion.
"We had to work for hours beforehand, putting newspapers down on the floor of the Hall, setting up water troughs, polishing their coats. But then some joke got let in with a throwing stick and wreaked merry havoc amongst our careful preparations - rugby players flying everywhere, tearing their shirts off, desperately trying to catch the bloody stick - twelve innocent photogrpahers had to be taken to Wycombe Prison Hopsital to be innoculated against rabies..." (the interview broke of as the Inspector vanished into thin air with a parting comment of "Ooh, I shouldn't a tole you tha'..." and the Editor received a disturbing phone call)
There was, however, little sign of foul play beneath Tingle's tented manhoods (titled "Morning Wood" and "Trouser Tent", and now part of the [wall insulation of] the prestigious Saatchi collection) - the RGS Rugger Buggers seemed perfectly contented, lapping up water from a communal lavatory bowl, sniffing each other's jock-straps, and making witty small-talk along the lines of "Ug" and "Grr" with the adoring audience.
The entire squad was later found outside in a pool of vomit with their tongues cemented to a partially-digested ice-sculpture encapsulating a suspiciously-empty bottle of Schnapps.
£10,000 was the reported cost to Dinglevania's coffers (those mysterious vaults which apparently contain a teeny tiny black hole).
"We chose to board up the area under the foyer of the Queen's Hall for two reasons: firstly, to provide the foyer with a much-needed foyer, and secondly, because it made it look really, really fucking dreadful..."